A dangerous man.
I kept myself shuttered away.
You couldn’t pry this thing from my cold, dead hands.
It was never that hard for me.
I was never like Arjuna.
Sure, I had fallen many times. But never for people.
No, I’ve been behind enemy lines all my life.
I saw the disease from a very young age.
Hell, I barely existed in the first place.
And when I did I saw it. I saw it as external to me.
It wasn’t me. It was . . . my own creation. My friend.
And I was alone. So I needed that. I needed the escapes.
I was still trying to figure out what my own failed indoctrination meant.
But even from a young age, over a decade before ever having a concept of “truth” imprinted upon my mind, I noticed the duality taking place.
I just didn’t know what it was.
I shot you all dead in my quest for the truth, and the thing is, I didn’t blink.
But perhaps this is because I knew none of you were real in the first place.
I was a speeding bullet.
A freight train you couldn’t grab onto.
Something only those who couldn’t see it dare stand opposed to.
But aware I was of all of this.
And I would use it. Revel in it. Seethe in it. Loved seething.
But I knew what this was. I knew it was dangerous.
No holds barred. It is what it is. Does this make me a son of a bitch?
I’m sorry L.
I don’t know if I killed you, if you killed me, or if you killed yourself.
I’ve been on holdout for so long. How could I not be suspicious, defensive?
You know, I’ve given it quite a bit of thought, and I’m still not sure what the point would be. I guess, you’d have to tell me.
Because I still see it as grasping. I see it as an attempt to hang on. Was that what you were doing? Have you ever considered it?
You said it was an honor to witness me and I’d say it was the opposite.
“Your best friend is the one who tells you the truth.”
And I’d say that’s a hell of a quote. Which is probably why I’m welling up as a write this. Is that ridiculous?
It seems like it. And so I know I started to identify because it is lonely out here, L. There is nobody like us. Even if we’re not alone, we are.
So is there even an us? How diluted is this? Could it have merely been delusion’s newest hiding place?
I don’t know what you’re going to do. I’m not sure you do either.
Did I do you right? Did I do you wrong? Were there any mistakes?
I tend to be so critical of myself that another’s attempt to be critical feels like a backhanded slap to the face.
I’m not going to help anybody L. I’m going to fleece them. Destroy them. Shame them. Like you shamed me. And I don’t know I’m ready for it. I don’t take any pleasure in it.
But you are seen.
And perhaps you were the final piece of the puzzle.
It is hard not to grasp. And you know what? You almost had me there. Truly. My finger was on the button. But I just couldn’t for the life of me figure out if my hesitation was born of wisdom or not. If it would have been a mistake, or not.
I will tell you that, since that time, almost two months ago, I was glad I didn’t do it. But now? Now I’m not so sure. And I’ve no idea what this means.
I was never looking for a savior.
Never looking for you or any other who might fancy thinking themselves that.
The thing is, L—I wasn’t certain whether I was supposed to destroy you or myself.
Upon first glance, it might seem obvious. But what were you to me? Would I have been simply pulling the wool over my own eyes?
After all this time, how could I resort to such a thing?
And perhaps by stopping myself I did destroy myself. Perhaps in destroying you I destroyed me.
All of this is so convoluted. But in the end, I discovered.
I discovered exactly what I had discovered before and what I had discovered speaking to him all those years ago.
And I was Finished. It really felt like I was.
But was this the beginning of the end? Or the end of the beginning?
I still don’t know. And even this may simply be illusion’s latest fighting stance.
But what I do know is that I didn’t get into this to make friends.
I didn’t get into this to help anybody.
I didn’t get into this for attention or praise or to seek help from others.
All my life, I simply wanted the truth.
Having found its footsteps, I doggedly followed them.
And I will continue to do so until the bitter end.
I am not a virtuous human being.
I am not a patient human being.
I am barely a friendly one, in terms of truth.
I love you all, like I loved myself.
When I realize it’s no different, I truly do.
But I feel it may soon be time to say goodbye.
My finger’s been flirting with this trigger awhile now.
Not needing, how wonderful.
You best keep a gun pointed at me too.
If you seek to Know it can be said you’re my brother.
But it’s always going to be a one-man rodeo for me.