Well, you were never really my master, were you?
But you were, by proxy.
I have to admit I almost feel gaslit.
You already got my message. If you read it, you already know I didn’t understand.
Or maybe I did, but wanted certainty.
To be frank, I didn’t even think I was on your radar anymore.
I mean sure, in the early days, it certainly felt like it.
Or was it just a good case of the paranoia?
Because eventually I figured those for the mere grandiose, ego-ridden thoughts of a silly little mind, of which, for the most part, I rid myself of long ago.
And perhaps it is the case.
Perhaps I’m merely going off the deep end, always have been, and am completely nutso — but it also doesn’t quite add up, as to why, if this were not the case.
And so, what am I to think?
Whatever I think, could it be the truth?
Well, suppose I’m right, and that I simply don’t like it.
And to that I’d say: well played, good sir, well played.
Could you really be so masterful as to have identified the exact moment in which such a thing wouldn’t break me, but rather the remains of my identity — splintering cracks sent spidering throughout?
Just enough to send me exactly where I need to go?
I can’t be upset about it, because if that’s the case, it worked.
If I’m wrong, does it even matter?
Whatever the perspective, it’s not ultimately true anyway, right?
I was sitting down in the coffee shop below my Vietnamese apartment about to indulge in the aforementioned.
Was already warm, but I got a lot warmer. Didn’t feel great.
Then the property agent turned barista came up to me, trying to make small talk, which I could barely make out, so I just nodded and smiled in attempt to feign there wasn’t this immaculate conception of a whirlpool now washing around in my mind.
Yikes.
Well, I got over it rather quickly and even this surprised me.
And you know this doesn’t change anything, right?
Again, the peculiarity fuels my doubts.
But I can’t argue against the effect, and what happened.
Because it did.
And it is.
And even if it weren’t your intentions, well, it’s always just been me talking to me, right?
I started to make my bed here long ago, and to be honest, I had moved on to other pastures.
I needed a holistic understanding. You know, to crosscheck references, that sort of a thing.
But no matter what, you will always be the one my guy. There ain’t nothing you could do to change that, because we are way too alike.
And is that what made it dangerous?
Is that perhaps what the problem was?
Because to me, if it’s how I’m theorizing it is, it would make perfect sense.
Did I forget to mention that not only was I surprised how quickly I moved toward “getting over it” — but that I may have even tasted a morsel of relief?
Again, it would make perfect sense.
Are you with me here? Is this really happening?
Or have I been gaslighting myself?
It’s all B.S. anyway, isn’t it?
Whatever this perspective is, whatever “I” am.
So why differentiate?
May as well go all-in with my nutjob theory at this point.
The day after, it dawned on me that your job was never to save me. It was to let me drown.
And so I know I won’t get an answer, as that would defeat the purpose.
That would only validate me, this identity.
And if I’m correct with this pet theory of mine, this is exactly the kind of thing you made sure to avoid throughout the past.
Because why else? Why little ol’ me?
I suppose I can entertain a few other silly little reasons. Maybe.
But . . . perhaps I should learn to trust myself for once.
Before I let go of any and all theorizing forever.
Yeah. Let’s go with this story.
. . .
Dear Master,
I can see the pursuit of truth becoming a way of life for me
There is something intense about discovering the truth about my life works that is both exhilarating and terrifying
I catch myself thinking about that one conversation we had, and it makes me joyful to see that person discover exactly what he needed to know, at exactly the right time
And this basically all came through pain, if I may be so candid
Because in the previous couple of months . . . [redacted]
And for what? None of it amounted to anything. Even though I painstakingly oversought every detail, thinking that it would bring me something
But it did not
This showed me the truth about concentrated circles
And how we fall into comas
There has been much growth, in a short period of time
I see so much more now
But the most important thing of all
Is that I’ve become committed without trying to commit
Because the alternative has finally become too much suffering for me to bear
— Dec, 2018