Something big. Something to declare. The final word. Defining moments in my relentless pursuit towards attaining The Ultimate, and the revelations therein.
Swab the decks men, swab the decks. I’ve got the galley fully loaded and headed for outer haven. I’ve got my eyes toward the sky and beyond. My telescope turned into kaleidoscope. And that day in my tomb and I couldn’t see?
A non-fictional account of a pathological pursuit.
An innocent offering.
A compassionate bleeding.
I have felt, in the most genuine sense, that there’s nowhere to go in this life.
And this was true. It is true.
But how could I know, I would find a valley so vast?
There’s something brewing within me and it feels like hatred.
Tame, but disdain.
Everyone’s stuck, but why think about them when you are too?
What about them renegade vows?
Vows are never made for another. They’re made for oneself.
I do not know what led me down this path. All I know is that the fire to do so has been burning within me for years. I can honestly say that the only thing that prevented me from doing so earlier was the world; giving it credence.
This other world I peer into: I do not know how to access it — not all of the time.
And the truth is, even having peered into it, I’ve always left one foot outside the door.
It’s a conversation with myself. That’s what all this is.
And when it stops being that, when it becomes something else, the knowing fades.
When you have too many ideals, how can you expect to be satisfied with the non-ideal?
“Perfect purity is possible if you turn your life into a line of poetry written with a splash of blood.”
Yukio Mishima
It has come to my attention that when I become lethargic and feel trapped in my mind that something is off.
As I sit here alone and write this, I feel enormous peace.
It is possible this peace can only be felt when alone.
In fact, I am almost certain of this — at least for me, in this stage of my life.
I once came upon a cliff.
Below it: an endless ocean of possibility.
Something within me wanted to swim.
But something else, desired only to preserve my life.
And this something else was stronger than I, for I lived through this something.