There’s something brewing within me and it feels like hatred. Tame, but disdain.
Everyone is stuck, but why even think about them when you are too?
What about them renegade vows?
Vows are never made for another. They’re always made for oneself.
I won’t quote Oscar Wilde on marriage here, I’m not sure I agree with all of it, but I don’t believe it to be a necessary construct.
If something happens, say, a peculiar alchemy followed by certain words, then so be it. But if this needs a commitment or declaration to solidify it, it’s a lie.
Vows are made to appease one’s own mind.
Why would one do such a thing?
How can they eliminate the need to do so, is the real question.
So let’s speak truth only.
No subtle lies.
No clever quips.
This disdain I have for the world: often it turns into full-blown need for things to be otherwise.
This is a problem because, things will never be.
When I hear ads playing in the background, I immediately identify lies such as “you need” and “when you want to” — this embarrassingly dry. office-space-friendly humor.
All of this reflects a terrible state of affairs: a glass world in which we all walk with trepidation.
Politics, insurance claims, neighbor disputes, rumors, drama.
Sometimes it quite literally angers me that one can go virtually nowhere without exposing themselves to this brainwashing; this disgusting, pseudo-human consumerist voice that tries to relate to you in how pathetic it is, so that you’re made to feel the only thing attainable is whatever the ad’s peddling.
I have no peers. I have no friends — only faint, echoing glimmers of what was.
I’m so far gone at this point that I’ll never be rehabilitated; socialized.
Your empty jokes disgust me almost as much as the remainder of desire within me to reciprocate.
Nobody will ever be on the same page as me and even if they were in many ways I feel this would reflect something deeply, terribly wrong.
Another death sentence. Another sick mutation into a four-legged beast that isn’t able to walk without struggling against its anchorous self.
There isn’t a single person I can talk to today that isn’t a complete waste of time and make no mistake, I say this apologetically and with fear.
The only thing that resembles even a semblance of a heartbeat comes from within and it always will.
How many concessions will I make knowing this, feeling this way?
How harshly will a guilty conscience return with a vengeance?
I can’t look at the liars and the hoodwinked but I can look at the poor.
There’s no trickery with the poor. No games. No self bravado.
No pretending they’re somewhere they are not.
Do you want to know the worst part about all of this?
I feel this is a problem with me.
These things needn’t get to me but they do.
There are genuine people out there. People worth communing with.
But the pitfalls do not allow for this. And I do not levitate.
It’s possible. I know it is. It’s not even far out of reach.
But I can only learn these things, woefully alone.
And so today, this is my truth.