The truth comes down on me hard.
I have been caught in a tormentful spell: the natural result of living in domestic hell.
I have been chasing things I thought I’d learned not to chase long ago.
I have come so far, but I have not been able to overcome the constant torrents life throws at a person.
And I have not been asking the right questions.
How can one truly escape this, not temporarily, but permanently?
I know the secret.
I know the truth is that it’s not about attaining anything, but abandoning everything.
This can be described as a pathological divorcing of oneself from their most beloved illusions, delusions, and addictions.
It is pathological because the pain runs so deep, that only the most desperate are willing to cross such a chasm.
At the other side of this chasm lies an apocalyptic world that tells the story of a destructive past.
We don’t really know what happened, and we most certainly don’t know why.
But it did.
And we couldn’t help but to look the other way.
Self-deception is the ultimate self-defense mechanism.
But once such a thing is seen, one cannot help but to fall hard on the rocky floors of reality.
I have not been able to sleep, for whenever I lie down for a much needed rest, my mind grows unhinged.
I cannot even enjoy a simple movie at this point, as my mind automatically redirects itself towards painful realities; a foreshadowing of what’s to come, unless I do something about it.
Truth be told, there is little I can do for anybody else. Most of what I envision will indeed become the dreadful reality of those I hold in my thoughts.
However, as a full-time outsider, my fate has not yet been sealed.
It is with my sincere recognition that I admit this unfortunate truth:
The pain is necessary.
But, it should not be glorified in any way.
Because then it wouldn’t be real pain.
It would be a running away from it.
The one who truly comprehends reality will experience the pain of it in its entirety.
A covering of the eyes and ears only leads to a numbing stupor: an unsatisfactory life lived in a world of “comfort” that cannot provide anything other than diminishing returns.
I don’t like pretending in this life.
I will honestly say that it gives me anxiety when thinking about having to “put up a show”.
This is why I avoid most people. Because it always feels like they’re trying to convince me there’s a light at the end of their tunnel.
Or that they have found something “worth living for”.
Something to “look forward to”.
But it’s not.
It never is.
It’s always a settling.
And I am unsettled by settling.
It makes me want to run the other way, move to the other side of the world, and never speak to anyone again.
The torrent is that controlling.
The situation is that dire.
Perhaps only now, am I beginning to truly understand this torrent cannot be tolerated.
You can’t make deals with it.
It will own you if you allow it even the slightest inch.
Is this the result I’ve been needing to see from this experiment of mine?
I have been compiling many writings. I have gone through several powerful transformations.
The result is nothing short of a sporadic and odd, artful practice.
But like the first horseman to charge over the hill and into the battle, you tend to take a beating.
There’s been several times when I couldn’t help but to ask myself: “What the hell am I doing?”
Of course, this is where the magic happens. This is the unknown, volatile element.
And I would rather ride the waves of volatility than be stuck in a constant sideways downtrend.
Anything else is living in ignorance.
And quite frankly, anything else is boring.
You may continue taking shelter in your ignorance for as long as you can, but when the time comes — and yes, it is a question of when, not if — your illusions will be shattered, and you will be brought tumbling to the ground.
Perhaps the ground is exactly where you need to be.
At least it’s solid, and real.
The alternative comes to me in the comical vision of bobbing for apples.
Why would one do such a thing? How ridiculous is it?
But we all do it.
I feel that statement holds such grounding power that I must sit with it for a while.
Yes, now that I have taken a breath, I have come to another conclusion:
The pain is good.
If you do not feel the pain, then you will not be sufficiently motivated to become free of it.
You will forever spiral into the dark abyss, which claims the hearts of countless men and women, every single day.
If you’re being honest with yourself, you will wake up to the horror of this.
And if you’ve only forgotten, you will now remember.
And there’s nothing more to say about it.
Although, as something compels me to publish these thoughts, I will close with this:
As I said, I have been compiling material for over a year now. It is spread everywhere.
Honestly, it’s slightly overwhelming.
I have no idea what I’m doing. And yet, I know exactly what I’m doing.
I feel the next step is to go through it all, and see what’s what.
If this venture in discovery yields what I suspect it will, I will be publishing much of it throughout the foreseeable future.
Until then, I remain, rebelliously nobody’s.