Automatic Writings

Declaration of Nothing

So what?

dim it all the way down so i can’t see myself
can’t see over my shoulder, nothing to whine about
nothing to, tell you to shut up about
no complaints, nothing to paint
over the cracks, white wash
scrub off all the past, wouldn’t even know it
didn’t even know it

all i write is trash
i just wanna make sense of something
just wanna communicate to you
that im alive
that i feel
that i care and that i don’t
that you can figure it all out and it don’t mean a thing
who cares if one is suffering? who cares if one isn’t?
ain’t nothing gonna last
so you feel great? so what?
so you feel like shit? so what?

the lowest of lows
the highest of highs
and none of it means a thing

you can pretend
you can tell the truth
you can lie through your teeth
and it don’t mean a thing

any declaration, so what?
you think you’re special? so what?
you think you’re not? so what?

you wanna look a certain way
id say that’s real immature
but so what?

i’d say almost everything is a dead end
but so what?

soon somebody i love will die
but so what?
what does it amount to?

soon something horrible will happen to me
something preferable might happen
who cares?
do i care?
i asked myself, long ago:
why do i want anything?

what does feeling bad amount to?
what does feeling good amount to?
you can smile and say the latter gives you pleasure
and that’s fine
but it’ll be stripped from you
just like everything else in your life
this is irrefutable

whatever you say
whatever the rebuttal
you seek to convince yourself
so you’re a fool
and im coming for you you fools

and so you had a pleasant day
so what?

couldn’t be that pleasant if you need to lord it over others
can’t be enlightenment if you need to declare it
can’t be valuable if you seek to divulge it
you’re a fool
you’re just a silly little boy

you can play power games and even win
but so what?
who cares?
you’ll lose it one day
but who cares?

do you care?
if you do, so what?
does it change anything?
does it make it worse?
maybe it does
but so what?
even that is irrelevant

every thing that can be said is irrelevant
even if it’s the truth
so what?
even if it ends suffering
so what?
you took somebody’s story away
another will likely take its place

you can do whatever you like
worship whatever you prefer
a god
an ideal
your ideas of nothingness
your ideas of darkness
none of it matters
nor does it have to not matter, to you
but you are the mattering
that is your experience
you decide
you made yourself
and in your existence you will suffer
there’s no doubt about that

you can claim you have beat suffering but you are just a silly little boy
a silly little boy that has yet to be humbled

it’s cool that you’re still entertained by your little toys
your little joys
that’s cool

it’s cool that some of you aren’t
that’s fine

one day it may dry up
it’s fine
perhaps it never will

why do i want anything?
cause im runnin
im runnin
im on the go
i got a swoosh on my shoe
cause im the go
and i gotta let you know
i gotta let you know
or else how will i go?
how will i escape?
whatever this is

cause i still feel like i can escape it
even though i am it
even though i don’t even know what it is
follow me, folks
let me show you the way so i can pretend there’s somewhere to go
oh, but i just don’t know
what about that time?
what about when i knew?
where am i going if there’s nowhere to go?
is there even something to go somewhere?
where is here?

so watch me, watch me climb
up this thing
i swear it exists
i can almost taste it
but i don’t know what’s tastin it
what it is, what was it again?
what is the tasting?

im trying to create me
but im cautious
im cautious because ive been told to be
im cautious because ive seen the opposite
ive seen something else
don’t make me say what it is
you think i know?
don’t humour me
i don’t take any pleasure in it
happens all the time, but so what?
i still wake up, in the middle of the night
with that demon crawling on top of me
speaking to me
why do i call it a demon?
because it’s ethereal
it’s aggressive
it’s mysterious
it chases me when i least expect it, when im least wanting of it
never is it where im looking

just another day
another day where i got all my limbs
and the sun kisses me
and i can fulfill all my whims

just another day
with nothing amounting to anything
with watching the circus, the freak show, from afar
just another day, dreaming of my star

just another day, of looking for my light
down below, even though i know it’s taken to flight

another day, of getting sick
of getting fed up
like, mildly
that’s it
just tame
i prefer the psycho
i prefer the blood curdle
you bore me more than i bore myself

silly little games
but then why do you look
why do you consider

nobody should ever be excited to see me
because im unexcited
im unexcited by these silly little games
by your silly little stares
your silly little competitions and reaches
you reach over, having had your hands burnt
you reach over, hoping for this to be the one
i get it, im just like you
im human, at least i think, too
but i suspect it’s not the case
and this suspicion has been growing
my suspicions, perhaps that’s my voice
my suspicions that it’s all wrong

we’ve got it all wrong, and i know we be thinking the same thing
i know neither of us will act on it and god forbid we did
cause it’s all a bunch of trash
it’s not real

i’ve had most of what i wanted
what did it get me?
where did it leave me?
maybe it left me unwilling to chase
but so what?
there is no so what for me to declare to you
im not willing to lie to you
not about that
so the fuck what?