April 4th

The relentless pursuit of understanding

It’s been a while since I’ve written in this journal, by hand. There is so much to explore, so many questions to ask. So many lies to smoke out. So many things left to understand.

Where do I even begin?

My focus lately has been directed towards understanding perception. How the mind reacts to certain thoughts, and ideas. Many of which are “unconscious”, or put simply, those which normally fly under the radar of my awareness.

Becoming aware of these things is only the first step. But what a vital step it is. Even then, simply becoming aware of these things has not presented me with a “solution”.

I have learned to detect and watch my mind as it perceives and feels in a way that is detrimental to me; that creates friction. I have also learned to detect and know when the opposite is happening. Nonetheless, these things still seem to be, for the most part, out of my control. Which is why I’m immersed in discovering the truth about this. As I have every intention of owning my freedom.

I understand that need is wholly antithetical to freedom. I understand that need cannot be forcefully abolished; that one must relax his grip by seeing that which creates the tension within him. But perhaps I am a tense fellow. I am impatient. Even so, I’m at the point where I know it’s freedom I want to wield, rather than the byproducts of such.

But my mind is another story.

I must say it is quite peculiar to literally separate yourself from your mind and watch it as it froths at the mouth in excitement of silly things.

I don’t think I need to be more patient. I think I only need to allow some time for these things to truly sink in. As this is only just the beginning. And I’ve only just begun to truly understand them.

I’ve had some strange experiences as of late. Experiences that remind me of what it is that I’m truly after. And in beginning to understand how short life truly is, I know it’d be best spent within them — rather than rotting away in a mind-made prison.

I don’t usually speak on my sincerity as I feel it is quite gauche to do so. And to be honest, it hasn’t been enough. Perhaps it’s never enough. But when I remember certain moments in the past, and the knowing washes over me, it’s invigorating. It resurrects me from the dead. It’s this feeling that continues to realign my being when I go astray.

If there’s something in your life that makes you feel like nothing else can, perhaps this is your true north. What else could it be? Persistence and determination is born of true sincerity and nothing else. And you know it because you’re being pushed rather than pulling.

And so once again, it is reiterated to me as I write these very words, that this battle, this conquering of the mind, is a fight against everything that prevents sincerity in my life. It’s to discover where this sincerity comes from; to protect this spark, and bring it kindling. For when it turns into a full-blown bonfire, is when I truly come alive.

Once having tasted the reality of this possibility, you will know. Deep down in your gut. This is the way to live. Anything else, is simply giving away the golden goose. It’s allowing your mind and the world to burn all that you are, and all that you desire, right before your very eyes.

If I do not make this a permanent living reality for myself, I will have failed. If my life resembles that of any other living soul on this planet, I will have failed. I will not continue to do the hand that bore me injustice any longer.

Like the One Who Knows once said: “The exception is the possibility.” And the exception must BE me.

And so I will go now. I will retreat from the world, after releasing these words. I will continue the self-quarantine I have carried out for most of my life. But this time, without compromise. Without allowing the poison to seep through the cracks. Without sticking my head out the window.

So that I may continue to live, as I know only I can.