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Meditations

. . . I Don’t Know What to Say

One of my greatest fears used to be being controlled. Whether by an individual, a group, a state, or anything external to my sovereignty as an individual.

I got wind of the fact it was indeed I who controlled myself and my living experience several years ago.

But it wasn’t until I had my mind torn to shreds, thrown in the dustbin, and rebuilt before my very eyes that I was able to see just how deep this went.

This was like watching a tattered treaty reconstruct itself as a highlighter brushed over the fine print of everything I’d signed up for without realizing it.

And it came to me from a place that, still remains a mystery.

So basically, by trying to get somewhere — I haven’t been able to get anywhere.

You laughed, and simply said Yes, followed by my name.

I laughed too.

. . . Yeah.

But then it wasn’t so funny.

Alice began tumbling down the rabbit hole.

. . . I don’t know what to say.

You took a deep breath, almost in anticipation, like you knew what was happening.

I felt waves of, something . . . many things. Emotion?

I felt lightheaded. I needed to process this.

I didn’t know why, at the time, but everything seemed to change.

Even my vision.

This was two years ago. And it would take me the entirety of this two years to truly understand the gravity and ultimate truth of, well, this truth.

I have always wanted more. I have always been grandiose.

In some ways this has served me. In others it’s almost killed me.

How could I have known that everything was already mine?

Had I become that dull? That blind? That numb?

Perhaps I had.

It’s been said that in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.

And sometimes I felt this way.

But I was no king.

Things are different now.

I don’t need you to agree with me. I don’t need you to understand.

You could shun my ways if you’d like, and I can genuinely say I’d greet it with a smile.

Not one of mockery, or assumed superiority, but of compassion.

And if not? Well, this is no problem either.

How could there be problems, when nothing really matters?

How could there be problems, when you don’t really exist?

How could there be problems, if you don’t really die?

How could you die, if there’s no place to go?

It’s certain I’ll continue to play games with myself. That sometimes these knowings will “get away from me”.

But perhaps now is the closest I’ve ever held them, tightly to my chest.

For these are my greatest treasures; gifts that keep on giving.

Here I am now, standing outside the vortex, once again.

Is it everything? Is it nothing?

This doesn’t matter.

Because as soon as you begin to expect something from it, you’re sucked right back in.

Have you ever asked yourself what you really expect from this life?

I was only given mine back once I began to expect nothing from it.