Dissecting the moment

Why waste a moment when you cannot know where it will lead?

This statement is made in response to two judgements: one that considers not “using” the moment as a waste — and one that says this moment will not lead where I want to go.

Both reek of impurity. This type of thinking can lead to nothing but problems.

The idea of wasting a moment comes from the idea that one must extract as much value out of it as possible.

And so it’s not about the moment, or living within it: it’s about what “I”, or the Mind, can get out of it.

The second judgement is perhaps even worse.

Because the moment can and will lead somewhere, especially if one realizes the above, and cleanses himself of this impurity.

But it will lead to nothing but purgatory if one prematurely judges it, as if he actually knows where or what it will lead to.

Both of these judgements are fatal errors.

About five minutes ago, I recalled a memory from my childhood.

I was sitting on one of those Hot Wheels “car mats” — those carpets with the image of a little town, complete with roads, gas stations, stores etc — where you would take your little car, and pretend that you’re driving around, doing errands and the like.

As I recalled this peculiar memory, it struck me deeply, because I recalled the purity of it. I felt it. I remembered what it was like to simply push this little car around; to be lost in its color and reflection of light, while everything seemed so clear.

There was no goal. There was no preferred outcome. No need to get somewhere, or to get something out of it. It was, essentially, a state of No-Mind.

And to remember myself being able to access this at will, or for this to have been my default state, is quite profound.

Because the truth of what this is, and what it’s not, is so elusive to one that has lost it.

Yes, sometimes it returns, and these are the moments I truly enjoy.

But it’s simply not enough. It is simply unacceptable for these to be temporary experiences that elude me; that I cannot access at will.

And the reason I cannot access them at will is because I do not truly understand it.

I have been toying with discovering the truth behind these things for the past several days. I must admit that it has been driving me mad, and up the wall.

But I feel this is a turn in the road, and that I’m finally starting to see the truth.

What’s been confirmed for me over and over again, in the past year or so, is that true understanding is an act of going deeper.

In other words, I thought I’d already understood, but I did not. And it wasn’t until things began to “go wrong” in my mind, that I was able (or forced) to discover why.

And it was this very assumption that continued to bind me, as it led me into a trap of belief.

The fact I thought I already knew these things is why I continued to overlook them.

But certain thoughts continued to arise, crippling me. And it was this that served as a Red Flag, alerting me to the presence of a persistent misunderstanding.

I am always questioning my motives. But even this I must question. For what is the motive of doing so?

Is it really what I want? Or is it because I believe it’s “good”?

The thought just occurred, moments ago, of what it would be like to live in this hyper-present state permanently.

And when it did, I was awash with emotion.

I won’t pretend to know what this means: if it’s pure or not. But my gut says it is. My gut says this is the feeling I’ve been looking to inhabit, without fully realizing it.

I’ve had to “work” to consistently tease it out.

I use the word “work” because yes, a large portion of this “teasing out” has been a struggle. A relentless longing that creates suffering, because I must know the truth behind this.

It’s like a secret that I’m obsessed to know.

And it’s absolutely not because it’s “good”!

Perhaps it started this way. In fact it’s virtually certain that my intent was riddled with impurities in the beginning.

But it is being cleansed. This I know.

It’s not good. It is incredibly selfish. And I couldn’t care less.

I reject so much in my life for this, that it couldn’t be anything but selfish.

But selfish is just a word. And I know it’s not the truth either.

And I am one-hundred percent certain that it is not “bad” — not even close.

Perhaps it is the only “good” in the world. But I couldn’t care less about this either.

I just want to return home. I just want to purge myself of all the conditioning and lies that have destroyed my life for the past 15 years.

I don’t care how. Whatever works. Whatever’s practical.

Whatever can be done now, is what I do.

I cannot wait. I do not wait. I cannot, and do not prepare.

I just gravitate to whatever seems most fruitful in the moment, when moved to do so.

This is not to say that I do not fall for lies: quite the opposite.

But this is never a failure. Because once seen as lies, they’ll always be seen as lies.

I want to live a precise life. I want to see only the thing that sits in front of me.

The vision I have is one of a blade, and its polished, metallic reflection. To see the slight imperfections, and hairline scratches in the metal. To see the oil smudge from one’s fingers.

Not because this is special. Not because of the object, which only serves as an example.

Or perhaps it’s because a blade represents the “sharpness” and “one-pointedness” of mind that I desire.

But the key is this: it’s not because it feels good. Even if it does. It’s not because it’s some experience.

And this distinction is so hard to put into words, not much less than to distinguish it in one’s own mind (indeed, this is the greatest goose chase).

It’s a respite from all the trauma. It’s a respite from all the worries. The problems.

Can it lead to brilliance? Can it lead to a feeling of otherworldliness?

Sure. Absolutely.

But I don’t think this is the way to it.

I don’t think it can be chased this way.

Because then you’re just trying to “use” it.

It has to be retreated into. It has to be seen as a practical necessity.

It has to be seen as a place where one can rest, and lay down his sword.

Whatever arises will arise.

But it is the unpalatableness of pain, that will lead one to it.