It’s been a week since I’ve last written.
Most of my “working” time has been spent digging through the archives, learning about myself.
It’s very interesting to see who and where I was a mere year ago.
To be blunt, I might use words like despair, overwhelming desire, confusion, surprise, and fear.
Fear of not making it. Fear of not knowing.
Confused, and genuinely surprised, at where I found myself in life.
Having pulled myself out into the outer rims of the vortex, I finally began to see.
And what I saw genuinely frightened me.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: there was no control.
There was no wisdom.
There was only a sentiment.
The same one that’s been with me ever since I was a child.
“This cannot be the way.”
“I am surrounded by ignorance.”
“I myself have grown ignorant.”
“Escape cannot be the solution.”
The suffocating tear gas was everywhere. Including — no, especially, my own mind.
And I knew it would follow me to the ends of the earth, unless I stood my ground, and faced the destruction.
I now find myself drifting away from the world.
My mind has been re-calibrated to seek truth more often than not.
I see the empty chases, with no end in sight, and wonder, “How can they not see it?”
It all seems so obvious now: the impending, predictable misery that results.
But I would not be honest if I didn’t remind myself just how difficult this vortex is to see.
Especially when one is constantly being whirled around within it.
No matter how insane and ineffective this life perspective may be — the fact that virtually everyone shares it, ensures its normalization, and ultimate propagation.
The camouflage, is simply too great.