1:39pm, Ho Chi Minh City
Today I woke to the sound of rain filling me with memories of growing up in the Pacific Northwest.
To me warm rain is like a warm blanket.
The warm rain of my past tugs at my heart.
Well if I can’t remember why I picked up the pen in the first place then I’ll simply write about The Despair.
Once again this morning I was engulfed by it. It comes from the pressure to succeed; the fear of failure.
Reputation. Let’s talk it.
A reputation has no benefit to a person other than that which is measurable. I’m talking dollars and cents. Forget being liked. Forget looking perfect for the sake of being considered so. Where is the utility?
Silence . . . silence . . .
Oftentimes I avoid it, trading it for the pleasures of music.
But what a sacrifice.
What a misstep.
Even now as I write this work, I merely date and do not title.
Sitting on the edge of a fertile valley. Trees push uphill in the distance, hands on each other’s backs like a trail of army ants: Brotherhood of Green. Smoke fills the vale from unknown sources. Little lights open their eyes blinking on, as dusk descends upon the highlands.
I wanted to speak with you, but I’m not sure how because I don’t know who you are.
You don’t?
No. I used to think I did. But that wasn’t really you, was it?
No.
Another ghost?
Life lived in limbo — what’s the opposite?
Not stopping. Not getting hung up.
Not falling victim to a mind that gets stuck on any one issue, as this getting stuck is fatal.
How could it not be when time itself is the lifeblood of life, itself.
If you’re reading this, the answer is Yes.
Followed by I Know.
And this is why, I haven’t done so.
I have seen the barrier, but only a glimpse.
The glimpse struck me deeply, but the knowing withdrew.
I’ll tell you like it is and I won’t hold back.
The problem is that you desire to control and to image-pad and to prevent nature from showing its true teeth.
You desire to not be who and where you are as you are.
I don’t need hope.
Why would I regulate what I can have now to hope?
Maybe it’s because I haven’t considered what I have now as much as I should have.
To drop into a senseless void to make sense of it all.